26 December 2015

Reflections of 2015

Coming to the end of the year and I always like to reflect on the past 365 days and think about what have I learnt, also taking note of the thoughts/feelings/actions I need to let go heading into 2016. Planning challenges & goals for the new year.

2015 truly has been a year of learning patience and realising that family and friends are truly invaluable. Trusting my instincts at times when I didn't want to accept the truth was tough for me and I started not to trust myself at all. I didn't realise that the goal posts hadn't moved, I had.

I have learnt that choice is something we do really have within. I can choose how I react to anything that happens in my life and know that the happy days should be enjoyed without feeling guilty and the dark days make me deal with reality and allow me to have gratitude for the truly important people and experiences in my life.

I withdrew from society this year as I didn't know how to "just be". I struggled with being my normal, bubbly, happy & sociable self because I was hurting inside like I have never felt before and my heart was broken, my faith and beliefs questioned and happiness was truly put to the test. It was hard to try and be normal around people.

I truly feel so grateful and my love for my family and friends was the strength I drew on as I knew I was surrounded by love, faith & hope, even if they didn't know what to say or do, they were there and I am so happy to be surrounded by amazing people. 

Everytime I looked at my gorgeous,  patient and caring husband, I felt so very guilty for letting him down and also breaking his heart numerous times. You never want to see the man you love with all your heart break down and cry with the pain of loss and his heartbreaking when you are told your baby isn't making it this time and your pregnancy isn't  "progressing".

You go on the journey together and both feel the heart break and it is like being shot in the stomach with disappointment and the pain is nothing I have felt before. I have experienced things & had the most disturbing thoughts I can never forget and I am different now after experiencing our three losses in 12 months. I feel society/some friends have heard it all before and I feel even more distant and alone than before in my grief. I feel stuck in limbo land and others continue on with their beautiful children/pregnancies & precious babies and I feel like I have been through so much to come out the other side with nothing.

I have learnt that the only people who know exactly how I feel are those who are going through the same experience and have found turning to complete stangers on forums has given me my sanity back, they get it, they understand the ride on the hormone express that starts travelling you towards your dreams to only have a part break down which might take longer to fix than they initially thought, or with the parts taking many months or years to arrive and even then not guaranteed to fix the intial problem.

Reflecting on so many things in 2015. I truly look at life with even more gratitude than I ever have before. I have definitely had many visits from the black dog this year (he stayed for a few weeks at a time) and i had those moments of "why me",  but I just kept finding small things to make me smile from hugs with my husband, to sunsets, Tiggy headbutts (our cat) to seeing beautiful butterflies everywhere and this reminded me that life is pretty good, even amongst the shite.

New Year for me is a fresh start. Looking forward to us resetting and getting healthier on #jonesfit2016 as well as starting a new job which sees me stepping out of my comfort zone and I am feeling excited for the first time in many months for the future.

#2016

14 December 2015

Heartbroken

14.12.15
Baby G - I sit here in the emergency department and hope and pray that you are ok. It is amazing how much love and connection you can feel straight away when you find out you are expecting. You notice the immediate changes in your body and know that life isn't going to be the same again. This time things felt different and i knew straight away you were going to be a girl. I am happy no matter what sex you are as i know you will make me and your dad so very happy.
Please fight little BG, we love you and look forward to seeing you on the screen next week to make sure you are big and strong at six weeks 5 days.

Love Mumma xoxo

15.12.15
So unfortunately Baby G won't be joining us and I cannot believe we are here again. Should we have waited to try again? The specialists and doctors all gave us the green light to try again and now I have to wait to see if nature will take her course or will I need another evacuation procedure. I am so calm it is frightening - when I do feel the sharp pains in my tummy i feel angry more than upset. Why us? Why can't we keep our little bundles that are conceived so easily? Should I have waited?

I am just so hurt, gutted, sad and so very disappointed.