This cannot be happening, again?!? (swearing appears often)

This year truly has been a test of patience, sadness, disappointment, strength, determination, defeat and insanity.  I feel like I have lost a part of my heart, my identity and my body/fitness mojo as other areas of my body have been a priority. In amongst the sadness I have become a better version of myself even though I have managed to gain the most weight ever in the history of me, but it doesn’t consume me as it used too, because the weight gain is part of me. I have realised the importance of how so many other elements in life, such as love and true to the bone happiness are what counts.  I have learnt so much about myself and fallen in love even more with my husband as we have truly been tried and tested this year with what has possibly been the hardest, toughest time ever.  On this day of hope I share my heartache and send prayers to those who also have experienced heartache.

2015 surely has been an interesting year.  Looking back on this year so far I have been pregnant for about four months out of the eight, with two pregnancies and to date,  no baby to hold.

Weighing in at about 18kgs heavier I am wondering how long it takes hormones to truly get back to normal,  not only after one miscarriage, but possibly two? Currently I am in limbo land awaiting further scans to see if Jones Jnr pregnancy no 2 is viable. And I cannot wait to add more exercise to my routine... walking is fine when not extremely exhausted but just seem to have no energy most days. Here is hoping that means this pregnancy is viable.

A couple months ago I got another positive pregnancy test and of course my mood switched from super excited to thinking holy-fecking-crap. Will this pregnancy be ok? Can we go through the  heartache of another loss? Surely it is our time to have a baby?  Are we strong enough to get through whatever happens this time around? I honestly don't have the answers.

So we had our first scan booked, what they call the dating scan & this time I made sure Drew was to come with me (he had already decided that there was NO way he was missing this scan).  I had used most of my superbrave powers the first time around and now I was scared.  But before we got to the experience the scan I started spotting. Of course my heart sank... no no no!! No.

I made an appt at my GP for any doctor to see what I needed to do. As my usual doctors don't have early morning appts and I was uber keen to see someone,  I scheduled with a doctor I hadn't seen before. In what was a strange twist I thought the surname of the doctor I had booked sounded Asian (Zuang), but when a tall handsome man called my name I instantly got nervous about mentioning my um vagina to him ..... what huh?! Yes he is a professional, who could also model on the side...... so I literally put on my big girl knickers and asked him about my bleeding, told him about previous pregnancy and could I get an earlier scan & do I need another anti d injection (have a negative blood type). He suggested I head to Vinnies asap to get jabbed & yes bring scan forward if possible. So I did both. thanks Mr model, I mean doc. So off to Vinnie's in cab I went, to find out they don't stock it (yeah right) and then proceeded in another cab to Randwick. Thank god they were organised and jabbed me.

The scan went exactly like the first pregnancy back in February,  no foetal pole could be seen. Not again. Fuck fuck fuckity fuck. I was too scared to look at at Drew's face because I just could not handle seeing him so hurt & upset, again. There was lots of tears, lots of heartache, hugging & us trying to crack jokes about being us being determined to have a baby. We WILL do this. Fuck.

So as per the routine I visited my normal GP who referred me again to the Early Pregnancy Clinic (EPAS),  at the Royal Women's hospital. This made me feel a little at ease because I knew what to expect.... or so I thought.

Walking into the clinic for my appt I had so many mixed emotions - sadness that I was here (again) to see how this miscarriage was progressing (again) & a slight sense of comfort & familiarity that I knew exactly what to expect this time. Having been here before I remembered all the painful triggers of last time & decided that I could be more courageous and brave today.  I came solo because I  had an early appt & would not be long.

Seeing the EPAS clinic nurse Nicki (who I have seen a few times now) eased my mind. She is truly amazing, kind and honest. My kinda person. She always has oils burning in her office, lavender or geranium & I feel relaxed. No surprises here, I know to have the scan, blood tests & book in a d&c for a weeks time as I am sure my body will take ages to miscarry naturally  for this second missed miscarriage.

Fuck.

The sonographer found what she thought might be a foetal pole & a heartbeat....what the actual fuck?! I saw that flickering on the screen and thought nahhhhhh cannot be this far out?!  So she had to investigate & compare to the last report from a week earlier when there wasn't a foetal pole showing.... she had to make sure & kept apologizing to me... it could of been my heartbeat making the tissue move that ironically now looks like a teeny tiny foetus. Holy crap. I told her I don't care if there is only a 1% chance I want to know!! So the doctor has said it could be viable and to come back in two weeks....TWO WHOLE EFFING WEEKS TO WAIT. ...

14th August was that date and with the 50/50 odds we were given we are so confused as to how we should be feeling......i was so torn because I knew what the outcome was going to be. I prayed that the dates were wrong and my tracking was out.

After the longest effing wait the 14 august came and we had the scan that revealed to us the devastating news. That this pregnancy was not viable. Fuck. I wanted to scream so loudly. I wanted to run out of that room (gown on and all revealing my lady parts). I can not get that flickering heartbeat out of my mind, I know it probably wasn't a proper heartbeat but I can still see it everytime I close my eyes.  At 3pm on the 14 August I was wheeled into surgery for another evacuation procedure of our second child that would not come out to meet us. Gutted beyond belief. How can this happen again, is it just a coincidence or do we really need help?  Specialist appointment to happen soon.

The positives don't cut the mustard this time, I don't care that we CAN get pregnant (I mean of course I do, but doesn't seem relevant this second right now).  I wanted to meet my little people I had bonded with, even if only for a short time. I don't care that there was an obvious reason they didn't grow past 7 weeks, they still grew in me and I felt the changes happening to ME. I know that in time positives will become more real, but for now I am walking around in a haze, my brain feels fuzzy and my body still has the pain and feelings of being pregnant due to hormones settling back to 0.

Having such amazing family & friends being there truly has helped me realise that it is ok to take our time to grieve our losses. Getting care packages delivered and colourful flowers truly made me feel loved and supported. Some friends i know who have been through this more also are helping me so much. I am in a place I have never been and would never wish this on anyone. 

Whilst my next challenge is to get post surgery check up with my doctor and referred to a recurrent miscarriage specialist, I feel that I can,  as my physical body heals,  aim to get fit, strong and healthier, I will be working on my emotional stability because quite frankly that is at an all time low. Today we would of been announcing we are 12 weeks and in just under four weeks we have our first due date with Poppyseed for pregnancy number 1(link below to first post). How on earth do we get through that haze?! 

I foresee many boxing classes mixed with yoga sessions :)

http://thedonsmeddle.blogspot.com.au/2015/03/our-little-poppseed.html?m=1