2 August 2016

20 weeks today!!

Had my 20 week check up with one of the Doctors at the Royal Hospital for Women - I am able to go back to my midwife for the next appointments, yay!! No concerns from the doctor (who reminded me so much of Nina from Offspring). Heard the heartbeat today which still amazes me! Cannot wait for our little girl to start kicking me!

140 days to go apparently until my little bundle is due to arrive and meet us.  To get this far in the pregnancy is truly amazing, it is everything I thought it would be and I am loving my bump so much.  Even during the nausea, afternoon sickness, all day heartburn phase I was so happy. I would feel miserable but have a smile on my face (most of the time anyways). Because those signs meant I was having a healthy pregnancy.

We have had five scans to date. The first one was at 8 weeks as my doctor (god love her) was paranoid about how things were going after our three miscarriages last year.  When she suggested getting a scan I thought it would be a good idea to ease my mind also.  We had decided not to tell anyone, not even family, until we saw a heartbeat on the scan.  Well I saw a heartbeat at the 8 week scan, and we had another one booked for the week/10 days after so Drew could see the heartbeat also, was so amazing to see the little flicker of life.  We had quite a harsh Russian sonographer who was not happy at all that I was getting another scan in such a short timeframe as she was concerned I wouldn’t see anything else due to the scan the week before, once I told her it was purely so Drew could see the heartbeat she had a big grin on her face and showed us the flickering signs of life.

Then we continued on with normal scans at 12, 16 & 20 weeks.  NIPT testing at 16 weeks (for Down syndrome and chromosome testing which included finding out the sex of our little girl), all came back good.  Morphology scan at 19 weeks (for 20 weeks) to check the heart, brain, lungs, limbs, spine & kidneys etc, a very thorough scan and it was truly unbelievable to see the valves in the heart working, all four chambers were perfect.   Love that our sonographer showed us everything as she checked our little girl, still love that sonographer (told her I loved her at my 16 week scan) am sure I am not the first to do so.  I just loved how the sonographer would give our little girl a nudge to move her into the position she needed her to be in to complete her checks.

Nothing prepares you for seeing that little bundle up on the screen.  To see her all comfy and moving her arms and legs around, we cry every time.  It is just so beautiful to see our little creation and I still find it hard to believe she is inside me, even with my protruding bump!  We are waiting ever so patiently to feel our little girl’s first kicks, I cannot believe I am waiting to feel something kick me from inside!  I have felt small flutters and movement but nothing that can be felt by touching by belly. 

We have enjoyed sharing our baby news on social media with a little “Coming Soon” piccie and a few scan piccies too:

13 week scan

18 week bump shot

19 week ultrasound scan

 Our announcement on Instagram/Facebook






26 January 2016

Happy Australia Day!!

A gorgeous day  today in Sydney after the weather people reported this week would be rain, rain & rain.  It was a warm day and the sun came out to play!
Enjoyed a quiet day staying local and not heading anywhere that would be totally packed.  A nice late lunch in Redfern, which ended up being a great choice.as the Rabbitohs were training and we got to see the Burgess brothers stay back and talk to fans/sign kids shirts! Gorgeous boys they are #swoon
After a slight wander in Redfern we drove to our favourite beach, Coogee for a little stroll along the beach and home to have a #gaytime icecream and chillax!!  Perfect Australia Day 2016.

Brave today.....

Sometimes being brave isn’t really being brave but actually pretending you are ok. I thought I was being brave this week and turns out I was holding it all in.

Pretending to be ok and knowing that deep down I was an emotional mess.   As a wise friend told me the other night over Japanese food the baby angels are “part of me now, you will always be a part of their memory” he said it in a much better way but it is true, they are part of my life, our life and memory, and some days are going to be tougher than others.  I thought if I didn’t consciously see or think of all the babies or pregnant women everywhere around me I would be ok.  Today I am feeling so very empty.

We have had a few friends/colleagues recently celebrate pregnancy milestones and newborn cute little babies and I just feel that I have nothing to share or say, I just smile and say “congratulations” but it feels so fake, I can feel my fake face. It is so hard as I feel like my voice just wants to hide (and those who know me KNOW I have a voice)! I am happy for them on some level and I know some have had a hard journey too to be parents.

I know life continues on after loss and I know I am every so very grateful for everything I have in my life, but today I just feel a little lost and unsure.  I have seen so many cute sets of baby feet hanging out of prams or baby holders and I just smile and then wonder if that will be me one day. 

Thinking about my little angels today and hope they are somewhere on a cloud happy and know that I love and miss them. Would of been 12 weeks today with angel No3 #BG

25 January 2016

January #fmsphotoaday

Am enjoying the monthly #fmsphotoaday challenge for 2016 and thought I would visit some of the photos I have snapped so far in 2016. I chose to do the theme black & white to capture things a little differently to start the year.

Starting in Perth after a great break with the parents over Christmas and New Year I have enjoyed a quiet start to the new year with some touristy snaps around Sydney and enjoying the simple things in life. Nature is always a favourite to take a picture of and sharing it in black and white changes the feeling of the shot and it definitely makes me look at things in a different light.

Sometimes we take colour for granted and seeing a gorgeous flower change from colour to black & white dosen't change its beauty - just your interpretation.

Architecture and shots of people i always love seeing in black & white - can strengthen the shot and totally change the feel of the picture (not to mention hide any imperfections)!

Our eyes are trained to see colour, our brains are so used to seeing amazing photos on social media and snapping the daily prompt in black & white makes me stop to appreciate no6lt only the item in view, but how it will look in b&w? Should I make it look better with a filter? Sometimes we should just enjoy things as they are meant to be.

20 January 2016

Jonesfit2016

January is ticking along nicely at day 20 of the new year. #Jonesfit2016 with the husband is tracking along really well also with us both eating better foods everyday, totally eliminating crap and moving the body at least  3 times a week. 

I feel healthier already and have noticed an increase in energy, plus am sleeping through and not waking up as much worrying about things. We started weighing ourselves new years day and we have both dropped a few kgs which is great. Our incentive is to eat healthy, exercise more, be aware of our habits and drop bodyfat whilst getting fitter and stronger. We both have come in with some injuries and my hormones are all over the shop. So we are being realistic and doing everything we can that works for us.

Last week I enjoyed swimming at icebergs, two 5km walks and a yoga session with Jillian Michaels. Felt god to get back on the exercise train after many, many, many months off.

This week I started bootcamp with work - we have a great trainer and he knows his stuff. It is also a great way for me to get to know my new work colleagues outside of work. Being the new Ops Manager a few of them report into me and they all have to come through me for certain items daily, so a great session to let go of the day and have some fun,  fitness fun. Doing bootcamp on day 7 of a new job is pretty exciting. We did boxing today so I was very excited - it was hard and I am not going to lie and say I struggled with lots of the core work. But I enjoyed it and was knackered after!! Sign of a good workout.

Food wise have been keeping things simple and taking everything for the day to work - lots of good foods with protein smoothies, fruits, wraps and snacks and am keeping in one coffee a day - because I love coffee, and coffee loves me back 😆

Tracking food in myfitness pal keeps me accountable and a great motivator to put good food into my body. Loving the apps to track steps and trying to get as many steps as I can in a day as well as aiming for 2-3 5km walks a week.

Second weigh in, 3kgs down and feeling great. Keeping the training and eating the same for the next couple weeks should see me at my goal for January.

Am stepping outside my comfort zone. It has changed alot in 12 months and I am having to push harder. It will be worth it.

26 December 2015

Reflections of 2015

Coming to the end of the year and I always like to reflect on the past 365 days and think about what have I learnt, also taking note of the thoughts/feelings/actions I need to let go heading into 2016. Planning challenges & goals for the new year.

2015 truly has been a year of learning patience and realising that family and friends are truly invaluable. Trusting my instincts at times when I didn't want to accept the truth was tough for me and I started not to trust myself at all. I didn't realise that the goal posts hadn't moved, I had.

I have learnt that choice is something we do really have within. I can choose how I react to anything that happens in my life and know that the happy days should be enjoyed without feeling guilty and the dark days make me deal with reality and allow me to have gratitude for the truly important people and experiences in my life.

I withdrew from society this year as I didn't know how to "just be". I struggled with being my normal, bubbly, happy & sociable self because I was hurting inside like I have never felt before and my heart was broken, my faith and beliefs questioned and happiness was truly put to the test. It was hard to try and be normal around people.

I truly feel so grateful and my love for my family and friends was the strength I drew on as I knew I was surrounded by love, faith & hope, even if they didn't know what to say or do, they were there and I am so happy to be surrounded by amazing people. 

Everytime I looked at my gorgeous,  patient and caring husband, I felt so very guilty for letting him down and also breaking his heart numerous times. You never want to see the man you love with all your heart break down and cry with the pain of loss and his heartbreaking when you are told your baby isn't making it this time and your pregnancy isn't  "progressing".

You go on the journey together and both feel the heart break and it is like being shot in the stomach with disappointment and the pain is nothing I have felt before. I have experienced things & had the most disturbing thoughts I can never forget and I am different now after experiencing our three losses in 12 months. I feel society/some friends have heard it all before and I feel even more distant and alone than before in my grief. I feel stuck in limbo land and others continue on with their beautiful children/pregnancies & precious babies and I feel like I have been through so much to come out the other side with nothing.

I have learnt that the only people who know exactly how I feel are those who are going through the same experience and have found turning to complete stangers on forums has given me my sanity back, they get it, they understand the ride on the hormone express that starts travelling you towards your dreams to only have a part break down which might take longer to fix than they initially thought, or with the parts taking many months or years to arrive and even then not guaranteed to fix the intial problem.

Reflecting on so many things in 2015. I truly look at life with even more gratitude than I ever have before. I have definitely had many visits from the black dog this year (he stayed for a few weeks at a time) and i had those moments of "why me",  but I just kept finding small things to make me smile from hugs with my husband, to sunsets, Tiggy headbutts (our cat) to seeing beautiful butterflies everywhere and this reminded me that life is pretty good, even amongst the shite.

New Year for me is a fresh start. Looking forward to us resetting and getting healthier on #jonesfit2016 as well as starting a new job which sees me stepping out of my comfort zone and I am feeling excited for the first time in many months for the future.

#2016

14 December 2015

Heartbroken

14.12.15
Baby G - I sit here in the emergency department and hope and pray that you are ok. It is amazing how much love and connection you can feel straight away when you find out you are expecting. You notice the immediate changes in your body and know that life isn't going to be the same again. This time things felt different and i knew straight away you were going to be a girl. I am happy no matter what sex you are as i know you will make me and your dad so very happy.
Please fight little BG, we love you and look forward to seeing you on the screen next week to make sure you are big and strong at six weeks 5 days.

Love Mumma xoxo

15.12.15
So unfortunately Baby G won't be joining us and I cannot believe we are here again. Should we have waited to try again? The specialists and doctors all gave us the green light to try again and now I have to wait to see if nature will take her course or will I need another evacuation procedure. I am so calm it is frightening - when I do feel the sharp pains in my tummy i feel angry more than upset. Why us? Why can't we keep our little bundles that are conceived so easily? Should I have waited?

I am just so hurt, gutted, sad and so very disappointed.